Better Day

Today was much better. The scales read 238 this morning. I think yesterday was just because I was on a downslope from my monthly. I know tomorrow will be even better. I did go to the gym last night and worked out with Jason. He told me to stick to swimming, LOL!!!!!! I don't do near as well in the gym. I find it very boring and very tiresome. I did swim this afternoon for 45 minutes. I did 22 laps. I swam them all and didn't water walk any of them. It was definetely a first for me. I feel like I've worked out and did good after swimming. Exercise is so essential for losing weight. I want to be a success story. I want to win the battle of the bulge. I would love to have my story in a magazine. THis is the hardest thing I've had to do. I'm doing it and am going to continue doing so.

Disappointment

Well, this morning was a little disappointing. The scales read 241 which is a seven pound gain. I wanted to ignore it but I couldn't. I'm not about to give up. I look at my reasons everyday. I am going to try harder. I'm going to push myself harder. I will lose this weight. I want the reflection in the mirror to show my hard work. I want to be proud of that reflection. Right now, I see a fat, ugly woman. I see a woman who is very unhappy. I also see a determined woman who is going to make this happen. I'm going to change the reflection to a smiling woman who is happy with life.

Weekends

Diet wise, weekends are horrible especially when I'm on my monthly. I haven't done well at all this weekend. I need to do something to keep myself on track. Yesterday I was so moody that I wanted to give up. I actually questioned whether I'm strong enough to do this. I know I am. I have to be. It's going to be hard and I'm sure this won't be the only hard weekend. I'm going to try so hard to do things right this week. I'm going to exercise hard.

Goals

How important is it to set goals? I like to set goals because they keep me focused. I also have rewards for certain goals. I have set dates to some and just rewards to others. It may not make any sense to anyone but me but they work for me. My goals are:

225-update picture
200-update picture; haircut and color
175-June 18th; we leave for King's Island on the 19th; update picture
140-update picture; decide if I want to go farther; have hubby take me out because I reached my final goal

I will make my goals. I guarantee it.

Keeping Motivated

It can be hard to stay motivated. I think it actually may be the hardest thing to do. I think about this day in and day out. I think about why. Some days I think why do I do this? I have to remember why. There are days when i want to throw in the towel but what good would that do me. I would gain back the 27 pounds that I have lost. My health will fail if I don't take control now. On the days my motivation is low I need to take a minute and step back and remember the 50 reasons that are posted on my fridge. I want to accomplish them all.

MY INSPIRATONS

I want to look at the people who inspire me most and how they inspire me.

1. My husband- He supports me with everything I do. We sometimes disagree with how to do it but he's always there. He tells me everyday how much he loves me and shows me as well. He is a firm hand when I need it. He's got the shoulder for me to cry on when things get to hard.

2. My son- He's always there to remind me of why I'm doing this. He gives gentle reminders as to why I'm doing this. I can't forget King's Island,LOL!!!!!! He's always there to give me a hug or sit on my lap. He tells me he loves me everyday and is always caring.

3. My mother in law- SHe is doing this journey with me. She always loves me no matter what. She is my mom without trying to replace my real mom. She helps take care of me. She's there to listen to me vent and gives me a shoulder to cry on when I need it. She's been there through the most horrible crisis that I had to deal with. She helped me get through.

4. My grandmother- She gives me the strength to push on. She has always taken care of everyone. She is still there for me when I need her even if not in the same capacity as she was when I was younger. She loves her family unconditionally. SHe wants to see me healthy. I want to get there so she knows I'll be okay.

5. My diet buddies- THey are there to give me the praise for a job well done and advice when I need it. They are there to help me and listen to me.

All these people and more help me along the way . They help me so much and make me proud to call them my friends and family. I love them all.

Affecting others

I want to look at how my weight affects my life and the ones around me. At my current weight, I can't keep up with my son. I'm slow at work. My ankle hurts after being on it for most of the day. MY sex drive is almost nonexistant. It really affects my life more than what I thought. The weight loss journey is hard on my family. I get grouchy because I want something I can't have. It's really hard. My life will be so much different when I lose the weight. I will be able to keep up with my son. I will be able to feel attractive for my husband. I'll be able to run circles around the girls at work. I can lose the weight. I can do this.

Choices

Weight loss is all about choices. I choose what I eat. I choose what exercise I do. If I don't make the right choices, then I'm not going to lose the weight. If I make the right choices, the weight will come off. Of course, I can make the right choices and my body may stall anyway. I have to make the choice to keep pushing on. What do I want more to lose the weight and be healthy or eat what I want and how much I want and die early and not see my son grow up or any of my grandchildren? I think that is an easy choice. I owe it to myself and my family to take care of myself . If I don't take care of myself, then how can I take care of them. I am going to make the right choices and live healthy. Putting the scales in the closet definetely was the right choice. I haven't gotten on them since Saturday. How cool is that? I get dressed and then can't weigh because I have clothes on. I want to be able to go shopping for the cool clothes and not settle on something. I want to have to look for a house with a bunch of closet space. I want to wear the little black dress and make my husband take me out. I want to lie on the beach in a bikini. I want other people to look at me with envy. I want them to know that I beat this battle and how hard it was. I want to inspire someone to lose weight. I have a couple of girls at work who want to lose, one really needs to. I want to be able to help her by showing her it can be done. I want to support her because I care about her. I want her to be here for her children. I am going to make the choice to be healthy. I am going to lose this weight.

okay day

It was an okay day today. Nothing major happened. I boo booed with pizza but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I had four slices where before I would have ate the whole darn thing. I didn't get to exercise due to work. I want to exercise twice tomorrow but Jason said I had to wait til he got home so I could go with him. I really want to move this weight off. I want to lose five pounds this week. I want to see the 220's.

Support

What is support? Good question. I think support is standing beside someone through the good and the bad. It's being the friend when things are going great. It's the praise for a job well done and a gentle kick when you need one. It's constructive criticism. It's a lot of things. It's being a friend. I hope to give support and get support. I can't lose the weight without support. I need to have my friends and family around me. I want them to be proud of me.

Lazy Day

I don't have the umph to do anything today. IT's the day before weigh in and I'm not wanting to exercise for the 2nd day in a row. I still have fifteen minutes until lap swim at the Y. I really should go but I really don't want to. I have to work tonite. I did do 5 minutes on the elliptical. I need to make myself do more. I can do it while watching shows. Oh my, I hate these type of days. I'm going to eat lightly because of the lack of umph. It's probably good that I am not hungry. Well, what to do. I will get back on the elliptical. I have to accomplish this. I am going to go see if it's raining and see the temp and I may call my mother in law and see if she wants to go for a walk. Hmmmm.....there's an idea. It was shortlived. SHe's busy. Ugh....means I have to do something by myself. I could walk by myself but that doesn't sound like fun at all. I can do this. I have to exercise in some way shape or form. How am I going to lose this weight if I don't? Okay. I'm off to do it whatever it may be.

Not to bad

Today wasn't to bad. I didn't exercise but that is okay. I will definetely exercise tomorrow. I actually can't wait to get on the scales this week. I think I'll see good results. I really want to make my goal of 175 by vacation. It will be so awesome. I want a lot of good things this year. I've been really worrying about bills. They sent Jason home on Monday but he has to work Saturday. IT's a good thing that I got someone to work for me Saturday. Sitters on Saturday are hard to find. I can now spend my afternoon in the pool. I am beginning to love exercising. I only take one day off a week usually. I feel guilty if I take more than one day off. I am going to accomplish my goals and so much more.

Let's look at the beginning

I thought it might be neat to look back and see how I got to be where I am now. Face the inner demons so to speak. Unlike a lot of stories, I was not big in school. I would go back and forth between chubby and skinny. Growing up wasn't easy for me. I don't remember turning to food for comfort though. My mom was diagnosed with renal failure when I was in the 4th grade. It was a very trying year for me. SHe had a rare blood type so the thought of her getting a transplant was slim. Well on Dec. 21, 1988, she got one. It was our miracle or so we thought. I don't remember what I weighed at this time. YOur probably wondering why I'm going into this. I"m going into it because it helped mold me into who I am today. Anyway, we had lived with my grandparents for four years prior to this. I was 14 in 1988. We finally got a place of our own when I was 15. It was hard. I didn't have the typical childhood. I had to help take care of mom. ONe summer she had a knee replacement. The next summer she had a hip replacement. They were all side effects of her anti rejection medicine. There wasn't a whole bunch of food in the house because there wasn't any money. I stayed around 140 throughout high school. It never bothered me though. I was to busy taking care of my mom. Well, things took a drastic turn in 1992. I met a guy named James. I thought he was the love of my life. I graduated in June of 92 and we made plans to get married. We had just met in April. I was 18. I'll start making a long story short. My mom was diagnosed with lymphoma in Sept. 1992. It was a crushing day. I'll never forget the phone call. My grandparents automatically made the decision to move us all back in with them. The problem with this is that their house was way to small. It was a three bedroom house (one of the bedrooms was in the basement). My aunt already lived with them. They were going to move my mom, brother and me in there. They would have put mom in the dining room. I didn't want that. James and I decided to go ahead with our wedding. He promised me that I could see my mom whenever I wanted to. Well, he ended up being the biggest liar. SHortly after we got married in November, he started showing his true colors. We lived with his parents. He called me a stupid b***h everyday. He wouldn't let me see my mom like he said he would. I did get to see her but not as often or for as long as I wanted to. My mom passed away on June 14,1993. I had a lot of guilt. SHe actually understood more than I knew. She had been in an abusive relationship before. My grandmother told me afterwards. I had turned 19 on Mar. 27th, 1993. When I got married, I had weighed 150 pounds when I was weighed in August of 1992 for my yearly at planned parenthood. When I went back in August of 1993, I weighed 119 pounds. I got asked if I was anorexic. I ate all the time so I don't know how I lost. Well, on Jan. 29th, 1994, we were driving back from getting James' son for visitation and for some reason James drove across the center line. We hit a piece of farm machinery. James was killed instantly. I got a compound fracture to my right leg. I broke the big lower bone. I moved back with my grandparents. Jason who I had dated in high school showed up to visit me after the funeral. He would come over and bring dvd's. I still was small. Well, after I got back on my feet I got my own apartment. I got to eat whatever I wanted and whenever. jason and I got married on July 4th, 1995. I weighed 175 at our wedding. I found out I was pregnant in Sept. of 95. I delivered Jakob on June 14, 1996. He was born three years to the day my mom died. He was a Godsend for our family. I weighed 175 at delivery. Over the next few years, I went alot of diets. I would lose then gain back what I had lost plus 10 pounds. It's what led me to where I was at my highest of 261. My determination is much higher now. I"m going to get the good body back.

A Depressing Day

Today is a depressing day. I woke up and stubbed my toe and about fell. It was the start of my day. It's rainy outside as well. Why is it depressing? Well, today would have been my mom's 53rd birthday. I miss her so much. I was 19 when she died. It is very hard somedays. I'll get through because of the strength she gave me.
Diet wise yesterday was good. I didn't eat much and I exercised. I"m trying hard to find the balance of eating right and not to less or to much. It's hard. Of course, I knew this wouldn't be easy. I'm wanting fast fixes and there is none. I didn't gain the weight overnight and I'm not going to lose it overnight. I will lose it though.
Today is going to be a good day. I"ve ate breakfast four days in a row now. It's a new record for me. I am going to get to the pool today as well. I want to exercise for an hour today.

Catching Up

Okay, I started this blog to help me chronicle my journey. IT's a journey that I have been on since March of 2005. I started my weight loss journey at 261 pounds. I really didn't commit to my journey until September 2005. I've since lost 25 pounds and am at 236 pounds. I would like to reach 140 pounds and maybe lower depending on how I feel when I reach my goal. My first goal is to get to 175 pounds by June 18th. WE leave for vacation on June 19th to go to King's Island. I have to ride the rides with my son and I don't want to embarass him at all.
It's a long hard journey but one that I'm going to continue to take. I know the rewards will be tremendous. I'll update my blog daily. I'm going to try to keep record here of everything I do from food to exercise. I'm going to use my blog to vent and to celebrate. If I can put my emotions in here, then I won't be putting food in my mouth. Today is another day closer to the new me.