Venting

Well, the last entry can be totally nixed. I guess if it sounds to good to be true then it is. I feel like I'm in a downward spiral and I can't stop it. I'm being argumentative with hubby for really no good reason. School isn't going to happen. Why is it everytime that i get my hopes up that something good will happen that it backfires on me? Why can't something go right? I try doing good for other people and it doesn't even work. I can't get my diet right. I've been gaining and not losing. Am I being punished for something? WHat am I doing wrong? LOL.....people wonder why my self esteem is low. I want to be happy and healthy but can't seem to pull it off. It's my fault. I am the one who controls my actions. I get myself excited over things only for them to backfire on me. I then get depressed and wonder what happened. The solution? I don't have one. I don't want to live life on the sidelines watching everything and everyone passing me by. I want to be something but everytime I try someone is there or something happens to tell me it's not possible. If I want something nice, it's not doable. I want nice items but it doesn't work because it adds a bill and we can't do that for me especially for items that are already working. LOL....makes me want to take a sledgehammer to the items I want to replace. I don't feel like I'm worth having good things happen for me or to be able to get good things. I know I'm sounding childish but it's how I feel. Maybe i'm not worth anything. It seems like everything runs more smoothly when I keep my mouth shut and when I don't ask for anything or try to talk about anything I want. As soon as I say, I want I feel they are fighting words. I guess I found my solution. SHut up and just go on and not do anything big. Everyone else is happier for it. It doesn't really matter if I'm happy or not. I want everyone to be happy. I would rather be unhappy and then to see unhappy faces. As far as the weight goes, I'm on my own. I have always been. Family does real good supporting me when it comes to telling me what not to eat but if it's going for a walk or doing something physical with me then it doesn't happen.
Again, I can't ask for much. No one wants to give it to me. I guess it's the way life is supposed to go. I love my family and friends to death and I want them to be happy. I would be miserable if they were unhappy. I'll work my hardest to lose the weight and to make it happen for me by myself if I have to. I know this entry has been horrible. I just have to vent. I really don't want to bore anyone with my problems. Will some of them read this? Probably! Do I care? Yes. Do I believe things will change because of it? Nope,they'll say it's just Shelley being negative and having a bad day. She'll be better tomorrow. It's life and it goes on whether we are happy or sad. I'm not either. I'm just trying to be realistic. I'm also trying to get things off my chest. Do I feel better now? Somewhat. Things will happen when they happen or if they do. THe one thing is certain though is that I'm going to lose the weight. My sister in law said she would do it with me so maybe we can get something going. I hope. Well, I think this is enough of me wallowing around in my own self pity. I'm going to try to work on my attitude. I'm going to start writing more of how I'm feeling on here and maybe that will help. I guess it's not wrong to feel the way we feel but it is wrong to keep it bottled up. I just don't want to go to anybody face to face and talk about it because it doesn't help when you are told what you are feeling is wrong or stupid. Okay, I'm done and I'm out of here.